That it was very hard to establish a routine

That it was very hard to establish a routine1
After Marie Howe’s2 poem, “Magdalene — The Seven Devils”

(1)

That it was very hard to establish a routine, once mine fell apart

That I felt I had very little time left

That it hurt me to take out the garbage, and even
the recycling, I didn’t trust it would get recycled

That I was always hungry

That I wanted everything to be given to me

That I could not let go, I was paralyzed, gripping a crumbling wall
trying not to step on the fragile coral,
trying not to touch a crab, while also
trying to see the beautiful fish, trying to
remember to breathe
air, not water

That I thought we were very close to a third World War,
and if that was the case,
what even was the point of selling bikes?

(2)

That I was in what the rabbis call
the meitzar, the biblical narrow place
a place of compression
a slot canyon

That I thought a new notebook
would solve all my problems
or a new apartment
I could never clean this one to my liking

That I was looking for the perfect bag
so I could carry everything I needed
but not too much

That I had no money

That I spent money without thinking
did fuzzy math about how I would bring in x dollars at the shop
to pay y dollars for
this bag this book this coffee

That I had nothing of any value to sell

(3)

That if I did the dishes before I wrote
my damp sleeves would smudge my sentences

That if I wrote before I did the dishes
I would not do the dishes at all

That my nails were constantly breaking

That the balcony door was broken
but I was afraid to ask the landlord to fix it
because he’d fault me for the damage
when it was the wind
it was always the wind

That I refreshed the forecast
waiting for a still day, practicing
how I’d ask the landlord to remove his shoes
if and when he did come to fix the door

That I was very sleepy
bottomless yawns
a side effect of the meds I’d just started
I googled it, others have insomnia,
which would be better for me, just think
how much I could get done

That it was a point of pride for me that
I could feel so terrible, and
if others did not feel so terrible,
I thought them less alive

Divinity School goes out every Sunday at sunset • if you’re always looking, after some time you’ll have seen